It's been a while since I've had the brain space to think about what my emotional state is. Since taking in my latest foster daughter I've been so focused on getting her to a place where she can function and feel safe I've had no real time to walk through my own emotional process.
With arms swinging and non-stop chattering my latest 2 year old foster daughter came into my environment. Why I said yes to her was only a supernatural yes because in hindsight I would have said I'm not ready, equipped, able ect.. the list goes on with excuses that I could make up but I said yes...
I said yes to chaos, brokenness, pain, and disfunction being in my environment. At the age of 2 this child had gone through so much loss, pain, and tragedy that people who have lived their whole life with privilege and favor wouldn't have touched half of what she had experienced.
I want to be honest here and say after a week of her being in my home I had the strongest doubts of my ability as a parent. Mind you I have a degree in psychology, have worked with children of all types for over 10 years, and have taken numerous classes on broken children and yet in the midst of her extreme behavior, I was the lost child. Lost on how to help her, how to love her, how to keep my adopted daughter safe, and lost on how Jesus would ever be able to reach her in her pain that was so deep there seemed to be no end.
While talking with her therapist I admitted my lostness and told her that because we had not bonded she came in as an enemy into my home. Her brokenness threatened my daughter, our peace, my physical house, my puppy and the list goes on. There's a reason we birth babies, because those cute innocent faces we fall madly in love with and so by the age of 3 when they are exercising their right to be powerful we have that bond to pull on. I did not have that bond with my foster daughter.
In my utter weakness not knowing how to keep her safe, how to reach her, or how to release healing over her I cried out to God. This journey He told me was not about the immediate miracle. It's about the miracle that unfolds over time. Its about the moments, the split seconds of connection, those are the places where God gets in.
This placement has a great ending, God got through in spite of me. Her turn around was night and day different. As she will be going back to her birth family I'm full of joy for her return. She knows what peace is and what self-control feels like. I'm not sad for her departure because I can see the earnest teachability of her birth family to help her become the success she was created to be.
I fought for her and gave her every chance I could to get her help that she would need to be successful. I'm so tired but I learned something about the God I serve. He loves the broken (which in this situation included me). In many ways He protected my adopted daughters heart through it all. I've seen her turn moments of being threatened into opportunities of being a generous leader. She's fully aware that her new playmate is only temporary which, for her a good thing.
While I've now experienced a couple days of her not being in my house hold I can recognize that through it all God got His way. I'm re-establishing the connection that seemed to have been strained with my adopted daughter through this journey. As I'm explaining to her who I am and how God made me, to her she's starting to realize that this world is bigger than her.
When you pursue the broken children of the world it's not a hobby or a momentary desire, it's a call. Not many people can have open homes, arms, or hearts to kids who manifest their internal pain on the outside. For me I know when I get to heaven there will be no broken children to hold only glorified beings so this is my call that I know has eternal value. What is your call? Does it bring temporary glory or eternal reward?
Through my weakness He's made strong and even though at times I felt like a lost child I was reminded about whose I was, why I was there, and that this is what I was created to do. To help the lost child is to find the lost child in you and connect them to the Father who redeems all things.