Many times I often think about the time I used to be able to use the bathroom in peace, without a little person banging on the door because they are scared or want something or have hurt themselves. I can't even remember a time without a child in my life anymore. Being a parent utterly changes you.
I'm not going to lie and say this has been an easy journey. Far from it, but is it worth it? Yes, more than anything it's worth it. Having a child in your life is a source of revelation about who you are on the inside. Long gone are the days where I can deny my process and pretend I have it together. Many moments I have failed as a parent and many moments I have basked in the victory of many years of hard work and studying.
You see before I was a parent I was an expert. I studied developmental psychology, I took parenting classes, and I taught children. When I became a parent I became a novice at everything. Especially when it came to age 2 and 3. I knew nothing, absolutely everything I thought I knew flew out the window. I think maybe because I thought I was an expert I was lead to believe that no little tiny human being could beat me but beat me she did.
Even after all that I'm here to confess in the most beautiful way possible that I am an amazing mom. Not because of what I know or don't know but because I choose to pursue my child. I've heard many mothers doubt themselves, condemn themselves, and through their failure question their sanity or character but I'm here to say we are amazing.
I chose to be a mom. Not inferring that you didn't but I decided that there were way too many children without parents who needed someone to hold them, encourage them, teach them, and love them into their greatness. I told God at the beginning of this adoption journey that if He could use the little money I had, the 2 arms and 2 legs that I had to help a child become their best that I was here. I gave Him my 2 loaves and 2 fishes and He gave me a baby girl who is more amazing then I could have ever dreamed.
My daughter has pushed me to the max of love, of sanity, of willpower, and of crying out to God. There's no journey like being a parent. Truly it's a gift from God. I really believe with all my heart that parenthood is the kindness of God on our life. It's an opportunity for us to learn to love more then we could when we only had ourselves to look out for. As I gush about how amazing parenthood is I have to be so real about how in the moment of parenting a screaming 2 year old my self control flies out the window and I have said things I only thought would stay in my parents mouths. Humility has been my friend, my enemy, and my last resort. Through all that I'm learning about the greater capacity that God has created in me to love.
Adoption is a continued journey even after all the paperwork and court appointments are through. I'm continually teaching my daughter about adoption and how I'm not her birth mother but I'm her forever mommy who loves her very much. We talk about siblings and birth father. The hardest thing for her 3 year old brain to understand is why all her other friends have fathers and she doesn't. I walk her through that process about how we are praying for an adoptive daddy for her and that her birth father lives far away in another city. In her language she describes this more of a fact then an emotional pain. Which for me is a satisfaction in a sense because I long for the father she has never had. No mattered how much I've declared, prayed, and stood on the promises for her future daddy my heart longs for that moment for her. The moment when she realizes that she too has that special person in her life that can be called dad.
These are mountains that we still have to face in our journey but they will not define or conquer us. All that being said I've decided and have felt the invitation to start again. I've applied again to be a foster parent because I really believe that what I have and the family that my daughter and I have started can foster healing and family. Family is where our worst comes out because it's where we were created to be loved and healed.
I feel so strongly that this journey will be less about adoption and more about redemptive justice. I will blog more about my revelation about redemptive justice but I wanted to update everyone about my journey to this point. I have the space, time, and finances to take in more kids and God knows that if He gives space I will open it up to kids who need a family. Whether we are a forever family or a step into their future I don't know but we are here and ready to pour love on whoever walks through our door.
I'm excited to see who God will bring into our lives. As always, thank you for the prayers, love, and support that you have shown to Bella and I. May God bless you on your own journey to taking care of the widow and orphan.