I'm running away...

"I'm running away".... that's what I heard my latest foster teen say to me only a few days into being in my home.

"Huh" I thought to myself I've never heard a teenager say they were going to run away before. I went back through the day thinking about what could have gone wrong that had brought her to this point but there wasn't really anything.

However, as I was looking at this defiant teenager on my couch about to bolt out the front door I thought I used to be her. Not that her life story matched mine at all but I know that anger, that fear, that hatred of not having control over my own life. I know that face, the face of determination that says you can't make me do anything....ANYTHING you are powerless!

Her whole body was screaming at me "you don't matter, I don't care" but deeper inside of her I saw the places she was hiding. The child inside of her that wanted to be held and told she was amazing, that she was worth being chosen.

In that moment I said "ok, is there anything I can get you before you go? Do you need food or something to drink? " NO!" she screamed and walked out the door, with an added "I'm never coming back".

2 hours later she was brought back and was begging to be put in Juvenile detention. The officer politely (not so politely) said you have to commit a crime to be put in Juve. "Well then I'm going to go do that now!" Her defiance was the wall to keep the caring out. As the door shut I asked her again "Are you hungry would you like anything to eat before you leave?" She said "No! but can I use the bathroom?"

"Sure no problem!" I stated. At this time my daughter woke up from her nap to the raging teen and because my daughter had said some not so fun things to her at the beginning of the day I made her apologize. As my daughters apologizing and begging, this determined teenager, not to run away again I see the crack in the armor. Ever so slightly but there it was a tear. As she is rummaging around through her thrashed room she began to cry.

I pull my daughter back and we go back into the living room. I explain to my daughter that we must give her the freedom to leave if she so desires we will not control her. It only took a few minutes but she was out again asking if it was alright that she stayed. " No problem, are you hungry? I ask again. "Yes, I'm really hungry. "

I wish the story ended there however in real life we don't snap out of years of pain in an instant. To be rejected all your life then finally find someone who can aim their love at you unconditionally takes reality to a whole other level.

Less then a week later out of the blue, later in the evening she says "I'm going to run away." At this point I'm getting the feeling that she thrives on drama and rejection so my position is, don't make a big deal out of it at all! I said to her, " ok, is there anything I can get you before you leave?" " No, I'm not coming back this time."

There she went out my front door again, as she left I declared that the angels would stop her at every corner that she would make decisions that would protect her life and that she would be able to keep herself safe by making wise decisions. Many times in the last week I would tell her, "You know that you are choosing this? No one is forcing you to choose this path you are the one doing this to yourself." No one had ever given her that responsibility before. She loved to watch people scramble to rescue her but I as a foster parent I am not the Rescuer.

It's a hard concept to come to grips with because you see how other peoples choices have affected their lives so drastically and our deep momma hearts want to make everything better right away. However, our job isn't shield them from consequences but it's to be a support system when they are facing those consequences.

At 2am that morning I hear a knock on the back door. There she was standing there by herself asking to come home. All I said that night was sleep well. No lecture or rejection because the prodigal has returned. Many times we are worried about the action instead of rejoicing in the repenting.

Later on she tells my social worker that everything that she was planning on doing that night that would have landed her in Juvie she stopped. She said " I chose to do something different then break the law". You can't tell me angles aren't real and that God doesn't have a plan for this kid's life.

Again I wish the story ended there, but pain is a hard thing to over come and we either are ready to face it or we are ready to run. This time it was a Sunday morning on my way out to work. "I'm running away and I'm not coming back",  She told me. She asked for me to escort her out the front door so my daughter wouldn't see her leave. (However, my daughter the genius, knew she had run away again) "Is there anything I can get you before you go?" I ask per usual at this point. "No" she stated.

This time she had taken something that didn't belong to her. I found out about it later as I knew I had put it in my purse and it was no longer there. After work I got a call saying she turned herself in and wanted to be pick up. So, I drove up to get her. She was hoping for someone else but she got me so I asked for her to return the stolen item and immediately she did. There was no screaming or cussing or anger.

However, this time she refused to return with me. We came up with a compromise after a few hours of driving around the city. She stayed at the county office for the night. At this point I had to unveil my plan, " I can not keep her safe in my environment and because of that I don't think our home is the best fit for her." I didn't attach blame or guilty (she had plenty of that) I just knew for her level of need I wasn't able to provide the care she required.

In her past there had been a lot of homes and many of which she blew the roof off (figuratively) so there was no requirement for her to clean up her messes, the social workers did that for her. This time I needed her to come back, clean her room, say goodbye, and receive the gift the Lord had told me to get for her.

The journal I handed her had a letter written in it. Though I don't remember everything I wrote in it I do remember one line: When you come to the end of yourself, and no one will help you out anymore I want you to read this journal because the only person in the whole universe that can help you is Jesus.

In many ways I was writing to my younger self. When everything falls apart and you don't know where to run to anymore because you have run so long and to so many different places theres only one place that will bring you back and thats the arms of Jesus.

The person driving the car told me as she red the letter she openly sobbed. In that moment I knew she had the encounter that God had made just for her. Was she completely free? No. Does she have a long road ahead of her? Absolutely, but she encountered hope, love, and no fear of punishment.

Jesus said "Let the little children come to me" He didn't say " Force them to be a Christian" "Tell them they are so horrible they have to repent." He said "Let them" meaning when Jesus is displayed it's impossible for children to resist Him.  As a foster parent I'm not here to control, manipulate, demand, or force. They have already experienced that enough in their lives. I'm here to bring freedom that looks like facing consequences for their actions, love them through the rough places, and create clear boundaries to make them feel safe.

Many people ask me "how do you take in teenagers? I would never take them in they are too hard." I just smile because to me I'm ministering to a younger version of me. I'm telling these kids everything I wanted to hear from my parents when I was a teen. You are valuable, important, worth it, and your voice matters. This makes what I do easy because I too said in my heart many times "I'm running away....." 
    

Lost Child

It's been a while since I've had the brain space to think about what my emotional state is. Since taking in my latest foster daughter I've been so focused on getting her to a place where she can function and feel safe I've had no real time to walk through my own emotional process.

With arms swinging and non-stop chattering my latest 2 year old foster daughter came into my environment. Why I said yes to her was only a supernatural yes because in hindsight I would have said I'm not ready, equipped, able ect.. the list goes on with excuses that I could make up but I said yes...

I said yes to chaos, brokenness, pain, and disfunction being in my environment. At the age of 2 this child had gone through so much loss, pain, and tragedy that people who have lived their whole life with privilege and favor wouldn't have touched half of what she had experienced.

I want to be honest here and say after a week of her being in my home I had the strongest doubts of my ability as a parent. Mind you I have a degree in psychology, have worked with children of all types for over 10 years, and have taken numerous classes on broken children and yet in the midst of her extreme behavior, I was the lost child. Lost on how to help her, how to love her, how to keep my adopted daughter safe, and lost on how Jesus would ever be able to reach her in her pain that was so deep there seemed to be no end.

While talking with her therapist I admitted my lostness and told her that because we had not bonded she came in as an enemy into my home. Her brokenness threatened my daughter, our peace, my physical house, my puppy and the list goes on. There's a reason we birth babies, because those cute innocent faces we fall madly in love with and so by the age of 3 when they are exercising their right to be powerful we have that bond to pull on. I did not have that bond with my foster daughter.

In my utter weakness not knowing how to keep her safe, how to reach her,  or how to release healing over her I cried out to God. This journey He told me was not about the immediate miracle. It's about the miracle that unfolds over time. Its about the moments, the split seconds of connection, those are the places where God gets in.

This placement has a great ending, God got through in spite of me. Her turn around was night and day different. As she will be going back to her birth family I'm full of joy for her return. She knows what peace is and what self-control feels like. I'm not sad for her departure because I can see the earnest teachability of her birth family to help her become the success she was created to be.

I fought for her and gave her every chance I could to get her help that she would need to be successful. I'm so tired but I learned something about the God I serve. He loves the broken (which in this situation included me). In many ways He protected my adopted daughters heart through it all. I've seen her turn moments of being threatened into opportunities of  being a generous leader. She's fully aware that her new playmate is only temporary which, for her a good thing.

While I've now experienced a couple days of her not being in my house hold I can recognize that through it all God got His way. I'm re-establishing the connection that seemed to have been strained with my adopted daughter through this journey. As I'm explaining to her who I am and how God made me, to her she's starting to realize that this world is bigger than her.

When you pursue the broken children of the world it's not a hobby or a momentary desire, it's a call. Not many people can have open homes, arms, or hearts to kids who manifest their internal pain on the outside. For me I know when I get to heaven there will be no broken children to hold only glorified beings so this is my call that I know has eternal value. What is your call? Does it bring temporary glory or eternal reward?

Through my weakness He's made strong and even though at times I felt like a lost child I was reminded about whose I was, why I was there, and that this is what I was created to do. To help the lost child is to find the lost child in you and connect them to the Father who redeems all things.

Comfort, Comfort My People

If you have been in church for any length of time you've learned to associate comfortable with a negative feeling. I remember vividly sitting in services where the preacher was preaching against being comfortable. You're not affective in the Kingdom if you're living comfortable, it's a badge of honor and Christianity to be in a constant state of being "uncomfortable". Many times I made the vow to myself and God that I would never live a comfortable Christian life I was going to be the radical.

Again I will preface this by saying if all you do in you walk with the Lord is show up on Sunday and warm a seat then you're probably missing out on the 'fun' part of the Faith. However I live in a culture where everyone is radical. I do understand that not everyone gets that from their body but around here every moment of everyday someone is doing something that God told them to and making the world a better place.

Just recently the Lord started to highlight the word Comfort. Unconsciously, I immediately associated the word with a negative emotion. The many sermons for not being comfortable settled into my subconscious and I wouldn't even let the Lord reveal what He wanted to. Finally I surrendered to the revelation and God changed my perspective completely.

As I'm working with children who have had major trauma and pain in their short young life I realize that comfort is actually a heaven idea. There are so many scriptures on comfort. The Holy Spirit is the comforter! The power that's in comfort is beyond natural. Comfort heals, sets free, and brings restoration.

The only people that can give comfort to the broken are people who are comfortable. If I'm living in a constant state of tension, anxiety, and on the edge pushing the envelop I'm not in a place to give something I don't have. There are many days now where I stay home with my adopted daughter and now foster daughter and we sit by the fire wrapped in warm fuzzy blankets with warm fuzzy clothing on. That moment of comfort helps to calm the anxiety and tension. I have to say I'm still on the journey on the power of comfort and it's connotations to healing to the orphan spirit but there's something to bring a traumatized child into an environment of comfort.

When we live in a place of peace and comfort we are ready to hand it out to those who come across our worlds who need the healing power of comfort. Here are a couple of verses to meditate on about comfort.

Psalms 23
Psalms 71:20-21
Isaiah 40:1
Matthew 5:4
Romans 15:4
2 Corinthians 1:3

Are you the best choice?

It all started long ago this idea that we as single people have to wait to walk out certain parts of our destiny till we are married. I have to make a personal statement here I want to me married and I believe with all my heart that it's part of my destiny.   I know many think you have to wait  so I want to set into perspective, I believe everything needs to be taken in balance. I understand that God says to us directly that we will do certain things after we are married but a lot of people (especially women) don't believe they are capable to walk out their destiny till they are married.

Last week I was talking to a young woman whose heart was to do foster care but she was warned against doing it as a single mom. "It's best that there are 2 parents in the home." was their advice. While I agree the best solution is that both parents are in the home and healthy I want to challenge that statement.

Just recently I was placed with a little girl who came from a world of hurt. How humans can do the things like this to another human I will never understand. As I'm reviewing her short but heavy history I have a realization that God placed her in my home to have the best shot at healing the wounds as possible.

Because I said yes to my destiny and didn't wait till I was married I've adopted a child who otherwise would have been bounced around from foster home to foster home and now another child will have a chance at encountering Jesus. Every place this kiddo went before me was unable to give her what she needed. I'm not saying I'm the solution but Jesus is. One person in the Kingdom, who carries the Spirit of Adoption, can completely shift an entire bloodline and destiny of an orphan. Would you want someone to rescue you when you are in the worst possible situation or would you want them to wait till they are married?

I get it, you're saying but ........ xyz. Whatever your excuse or reason for not stepping forward and saying yes to your destiny lets ask this question is it because you think you can't do it or God can't. People ask me all the time how do you it? My answer is..... I don't know. I honestly have no idea how I do it because I don't God does. Sounds pretty cliche but its' true. When I imagined my life before a baby I didn't think I would make it. When I imagined having 2 toddlers in my home at the same time I didn't imagine making it but when I stepped out and did God showed up.

Is God tell you to wait or is your fear telling you to? There are babies/ kids/ teens out there now who need someone anyone who knows God, loves Jesus, hears His voice, lives a Kingdom lifestyle to break their bonds and free them from their pain we will wait to have everything line up just right or will we step out and say yes?

You, a powerful Kingdom carrier can do it! God has not given you a spirit of fear but love! You are more than enough, you are more then some of these kids have ever had in their entire life. Nothing is impossible! I believe in the power of God and trust Him with my destiny so much that I live in the yes. When God shuts it down I know that it's not the right time. God is faithful in every little detail of my life He has never failed me He won't fail you. I encourage you to step out, be bold and say yes.

Soul Ties - A slow march to the end

While this post may not seem relevant to adoption/foster care I would say through my limited world view it has a lot to do with it. Soul ties are a huge part of unhealthy behavior amongst foster children because of their past, there was never a healthy example of valuing one's self and no picture of covenant.

For the brief time that I had been placed with my teen foster daughter I started to see something that I hadn't seen before. There was a deep tie she had with someone in her life who was not only unhealthy for her but in many ways toxic. Neither one of them are to blame for their toxic relationship because neither of them knew any better or any different. When you don't know there's another way you won't know there's a way out of what you're in. That's why abused women stay in abusive relationships.

This relationship in her life proved to me that her deep need for connection, protection, and family would be paid at whatever cost she could afford. She was never wanted, cared for, chosen, loved, or valued and with all that this person demonstrated those priceless desires in her heart so she would do whatever she could to connect and protect that connection. As I observed her deep soul tie to this person I was instantly taken back to my teen years. I was right there with her. I found someone who fulfilled all those needs except it was empty in the end. Though I can't say I came from any similar background as she did that same desire to be loved, valued, connected to, seen.... was very familiar to me.

No matter what I wanted to say to her about the futility of this soul connection I realized that this was her way of staying alive. Maybe more figuratively then physically but, maybe that too. She needed this unhealthy connection through it all because it was the only connection that she had that told her she was something.

As I was spending time with the Lord about her I felt the Lord say " Soul ties have an end date." He continued to show me that soul ties because they are forged out of a need to self serve would never last, but a covenant relationship was formed from the nature of God. With covenant commitments, because it is formed from the nature of God it has a lifespan of eternity as long as the boundaries and characteristics of covenant are adhered to by those joined in covenant.

In this moment I realized my goal to stay connected. Once my teen lost that soul tie she would need a fall back family. Her fierce independence was emboldened by the fact she was connected but if that connection's time ran out the reality of her loss would quickly turn into a spiral. While she was in my environment I demonstrated as much as I was able to her value and her worthiness of being chosen and being loved. Many times that demonstration threatened that deep soul tie connection she had but I kept my love aimed towards her no matter how much she ran, raged, or fought it because I wanted her to know she was worth it.

People often ask me about having a teen in my home and I have to admit that often times it felt like having a roommate. I will never be her mother but I can be family when she needs it. There were moments where I thought " I have no idea what I'm doing" but in reality I think about that with my 3 year old all the time. Love is the key, not preaching at them, controlling their behavior, or demanding them to fit into some box. To love the orphan is to lay down your agenda, to commit to a covenant. You see, in my covenant with God I pursue what I see in His heart. What's in God's heart? What is He passionate about? For you it might be different but I see the orphan and widow in His heart. Being in this covenant with God means I pursue the desires of His heart to serve and love what He loves.

Soul ties are the Ishmael's of covenant. In the presence of a covenant soul ties pale in comparison. My desire is that through being in covenant with God and with my adopted daughter my foster teen saw something different, something hopeful.

In the Land of Teenagers

Well it happened, I became a mom again or maybe a friend I don't know what you call me when they come fully grown. Pained at the world and full of judgment I got placed with my first teen a couple weeks ago. I have no illusions about teenagers, I was one. I was an angry one, rebellious in all ways, hate spewing, bitter, the stuff of parents nightmares. I remember the feelings of being trapped by expectations that I could never fulfill and connections I could never make. I remember… So what was I doing with a teenager.

It has been a ride. As many foster parents have warned me teens are a whole other deal especially in foster care. They are something that should not come out in daytime. So here I am a mom or just a grown up to this very grown up young lady who for all intense and purpose has her whole world put together. She has a plan, a plan to escape all she needs is that magical age where the government gives her wings and she gets to fly or at least that's her fantasy.

I remember that feeling, when I turn 18 my whole world will be different I will be free. Yet there was another side to her that many would not see if they tied her down to strict rules and regulations. This need for family, for love. No matter how much she wants it from her significant other she's still missing that mother and most of all the Father in her life. Just by being here in my atmosphere she sees a life that's possible.

When I restarted my journey of being a foster parent that Lord told me clearly that this would be all about redemptive justice. Redemptive justice is a fancy term for bringing Gods original plan back to form. With a broken family being completely restored all the pain caused healed and redemption being gloriously displayed through deep family reunification.

With the newest member of my house I didn't see how that was going to happen. With her short stay in my home and her non-communication with her birth family I didn't see the redemption, until one day. "I've never seen anyone parent the way you do. You're so patient with Bella you never yell at her." As I heard those words come from this beautiful young woman I knew instantly that justice was being released in that moment.

No one had ever demonstrated peace through parenting moments in her world. The Lord told me in that moment that she would always remembered how I parented Bella and it would break the cycles that had gone on in her birth family. Redemptive justice, redeeming what the enemy through fear and pain had stolen from her. Maybe she will never talk with me again after she leaves my home but at least she's seen love in action.

As I've aimed radical kindness at her and those she carries close I can hear the Father calling her heart. Maybe not today or even tomorrow but someday she will remember the moment she saw love and felt safe. If that's all we can give to these teens who have been tossed aside they will remember Jesus because He is the kindness they are looking for the fulfillment of their deepest desires.

So as a mom or a friend to a teen who is on her path to her true Love here I stand in the gap. Praying in the moment where Love breaks through, where hope rises, and where freedom rings.

A New Journey

Many times I often think about the time I used to be able to use the bathroom in peace, without a little person banging on the door because they are scared or want something or have hurt themselves. I can't even remember a time without a child in my life anymore. Being a parent utterly changes you.

I'm not going to lie and say this has been an easy journey. Far from it, but is it worth it? Yes, more than anything it's worth it. Having a child in your life is a source of revelation about who you are on the inside. Long gone are the days where I can deny my process and pretend I have it together. Many moments I have failed as a parent and many moments I have basked in the victory of many years of hard work and studying.

You see before I was a parent I was an expert. I studied developmental psychology, I took parenting classes, and I taught children. When I became a parent I became a novice at everything. Especially when it came to age 2 and 3. I knew nothing, absolutely everything I thought I knew flew out the window. I think maybe because I thought I was an expert I was lead to believe that no little tiny human being could beat me but beat me she did.

Even after all that I'm here to confess in the most beautiful way possible that I am an amazing mom. Not because of what I know or don't know but because I choose to pursue my child. I've heard many mothers doubt themselves, condemn themselves, and through their failure question their sanity or character but I'm here to say we are amazing.

I chose to be a mom. Not inferring that you didn't but I decided that there were way too many children without parents who needed someone to hold them, encourage them, teach them, and love them into their greatness. I told God at the beginning of this adoption journey that if He could use the little money I had, the 2 arms and 2 legs that I had to help a child become their best that I was here. I gave Him my 2 loaves and 2 fishes and He gave me a baby girl who is more amazing then I could have ever dreamed.

My daughter has pushed me to the max of love, of sanity, of willpower, and of crying out to God. There's no journey like being a parent. Truly it's a gift from God. I really believe with all my heart that parenthood is the kindness of God on our life. It's an opportunity for us to learn to love more then we could when we only had ourselves to look out for. As I gush about how amazing parenthood is I have to be so real about how in the moment of parenting a screaming 2 year old my self control flies out the window and I have said things I only thought would stay in my parents mouths. Humility has been my friend, my enemy, and my last resort. Through all that I'm learning about the greater capacity that God has created in me to love.

Adoption is a continued journey even after all the paperwork and court appointments are through. I'm continually teaching my daughter about adoption and how I'm not her birth mother but I'm her forever mommy who loves her very much. We talk about siblings and birth father. The hardest thing for her 3 year old brain to understand is why all her other friends have fathers and she doesn't. I walk her through that process about how we are praying for an adoptive daddy for her and that her birth father lives far away in another city. In her language she describes this more of a fact then an emotional pain. Which for me is a satisfaction in a sense because I long for the father she has never had. No mattered how much I've declared, prayed, and stood on the promises for her future daddy my heart longs for that moment for her. The moment when she realizes that she too has that special person in her life that can be called dad.

These are mountains that we still have to face in our journey but they will not define or conquer us. All that being said I've decided and have felt the invitation to start again. I've applied again to be a foster parent because I really believe that what I have and the family that my daughter and I have started can foster healing and family. Family is where our worst comes out because it's where we were created to be loved and healed.

I feel so strongly that this journey will be less about adoption and more about redemptive justice. I will blog more about my revelation about redemptive justice but I wanted to update everyone about my journey to this point. I have the space, time, and finances to take in more kids and God knows that if He gives space I will open it up to kids who need a family. Whether we are a forever family or a step into their future I don't know but we are here and ready to pour love on whoever walks through our door.

I'm excited to see who God will bring into our lives. As always, thank you for the prayers, love, and support that you have shown to Bella and I. May God bless you on your own journey to taking care of the widow and orphan.

Post- Adoption

For those of you who have been following my journey I hope that the information and my story has inspired, informed, and challenged you to consider adoption as an option. I'm writing post-adoption because I feel that the journey of adoption never stops. As we go forward in our lives I find that committing to a child for the rest of your life is not only taking the challenges but the joys to a whole new level.

My daughter will be 3 very soon and is into everything. While my precious baby has now turned into a talking, running toddler I find that there are new things about parenthood I never considered before. I don't know about other single mothers out there but I for one have discovered there's a dependency that I've had to embrace on the people and family that surround me that, can be scary. In our fiercely independent culture weakness is confessing that you need help. I am not a weak person and yet I need help. The saying, "It takes a village to raise a child," comes to mind. While some people in my belief system would disagree I don't. As a single parent I'm uncomfortably dependent on other people.

I started this adoption journey with really no forethought on how drastically it would change me but now looking back on what I'm been through in the last 3 years I can say I'm utterly undone. The love that I feel for my daughter and those around me who have sacrificed for us is overwhelming. I would consider myself a self-driven strong woman who sees problems as a challenge to conquer. That being said there is something to being weak that makes me learn what true strength is. My relationship with God is the only thing that has kept me strong. Truly when I am weak He is strong.

I've learned so much utter dependency on God that I know if I don't have money for bills or our needs, somehow He will make it all work out. This takes all the control out of my hands which for powerful independent women like me can be very scary. Over the last several years I've seen and felt how single mothers feel in our society. For the most part people are supportive but there are many stereo types that go along with single parenthood. I want to let you know as you read this I never set out in my journey to be identified as a single mother. Mostly I consider myself a single person who is a mother but I've struggled not to identify as a victim because when people hear that I'm a single mother their instant reaction is "she's a victim". Through no fault of their own they assume before I tell them my story that somehow I was wronged.

 Usually my next line is my daughter is adopted. Then the looks change into a mix of awe and confusion on how that's even possible in our society. It's usually on me to tell the story again for the 50th time which I don't mind so much but it can get tiring. I know other mothers/adoption or single who feel like explaining is our chore all the time. I've learned that it's ok not to have to tell our story all the time. I know many parents who adopt children that are not their race must face the same explaining.

Adoption has changed my life so much and a lot towards the positive. I've gained a whole community of people that I before adoption didn't know existed. When you are an adoptive parent you realize all of a sudden how many people there are who have adopted and in many ways I'm so proud to be apart of that community. I'm a huge advocate now for foster care and do whatever I can to continue supporting local foster children. To be able to change the systems that we have we have to be willing to serve them and advocate to bring in healthy amazing people who have the potential to be phenomenal parents. I do love this feeling that I'm apart of a greater cause, purpose, and destiny to see these children who need help get it.

I think that most humbling and amazing part I've had to learn is now this little person that I have in my life gets all of me. I'm sure this is no new news to parents but there is no way to have healthy children in every way without you yourself giving everything you are and have to training and raising them.  Sometimes I feel like I'm making up this parenting thing up as I go. No matter how many books I read or Cd's I listen to every child is different and I have the one who is a leader in all things. She's my fire, everything in me that was not beautiful is brought to the surface and I have to deal with those little cracks in me that I didn't even know I had. I've heard wives and husbands say the same things if you are broken in any area it will come up eventually. It's so true with being a parent. I've gone to God on my knees asking for help and in His faithfulness He's always come through.

I know God designed us for such dependency. In our humanity we fight it, we want to be completely awesome all the time or even in our ugly mess we want to at least do it with style. Ugly is ugly and it will come out and God will walk you through it and it will become beautiful because that's what He does. I began this journey looking for what it meant to lay down my life for love and while I'm still in the throws of this revelation I can tell you it's pushed me to all my limits and made me dependent on Gods limits. I know after this is all said and done with I will look back and know I didn't accomplish it in my humanity but only in my surrendering to the love of the Father. It's all worth it not one day to I regret adoption and if you're considering it I promise that you will discover a part of you, society, and God that you never saw before.

It is Finished!

Verse

Love never fails

1Cor 13:8

Facts and Figures
          
               Finalization is the word used for the adoption being complete. The more and more I get into this journey I realize the separation of language between those who have been through this process and those who have not. Finalization means it is finished! This is the last hearing you will ever go to and there will be no more social worker visits after this. During the finalization hearing they make you take an oath to treat your adopted child like they are a biological child with all the rights, inheritances, and privileges that brings. You finish by signing some papers and getting your picture taken with the judge.
       
         Truly it's an amazing moment when you're saying the vow of adoption. I believe that it's so apart of heaven to be about adoption. We as ones who follow God are adopted into His family. The bond of adoption is stronger in many ways then that of biology. In the eyes of the state when you have adopted you have been permanently glued to this child forever and nothing but severe circumstances can break that bond.
   
        After the final hearing your lawyer will give you official papers showing the completion of adoption but you won't get the birth certificate for some time. Once all this is over you can breathe and celebrate the completion of such an amazing journey that brought you to this point. 


Thoughts and Journal Entries
June 2012 

   At the beginning this month it was a time of enjoying the summer days. I've been praying in the work and God has been faithful to bring in what we need. Sometimes it feels like this process of adoption is never going to end but I remember the Lord told me June so I'm hoping I heard right. My roommate told me that she's going to be moving out July 1st which really is putting me in a bind because I don't know if we will be able to find someone to sublet the room for 2 months. I really feel like I will be moving back to Redding in August.

  Finally it came the letter that I was waiting for. The Friday before the 25th of June we got a letter saying that the 25th was our finalization day! It's here! I can't believe it it's over! God did it. We went to court on the 25th and I didn't even think of bringing someone with me to tape it but my agency social worker showed up so she took pictures and taped it. It was the quickest ceremony ever. I think the whole thing took maybe 10 minutes. I think after all this waiting at least the ceremony was quick.
 
  I can't believe that it finished so fast. It seems like it's been quick but maybe it's not been as quick as I think. I feel lots of relief from this being over. Now we can move into our next season. I know we will be moving but I'm not sure when. I'd love to take a vacation now that I don't have to fill out paperwork to leave the country that would be nice to just hop on a plane and do some traveling. Oh, the dreams I have. I couldn't be more excited and proud to have the most amazing beautiful daughter in the whole world.  I don't know what our life will look like in the future but I know that it will be together. No matter what this little girl will be with me. God is so faithful in everything!

Summer Fun!

1/2 Christmas party

It is finished she's officially a Foos!

A Month of Waiting

Verse
Though youths grow weary and tired,
And vigorous young men stumble badly,
 Yet those who wait for the Lord
Will gain new strength;
They will mount up with wings like eagles,
They will run and not get tired,
They will walk and not become weary.
Isaiah 40:30-31

Facts and Figures
  
   In this month's section I wanted to talk a little bit about WIC. If you aren't familiar with it it's a food stamp program for Women, Infants, and Children here in California. Foster parent's aren't eligible for the program but foster children are. Basically it's a form of welfare to ensure that children in the US are being fed. At the beginning of this process no one explained the program to me other then this is the name and you get checks for food so, here's my journey in discovering how the program was run.

  I have never been in a welfare office before having Bella and I didn't know what to expect. Back in March when I got her I followed the recommendation of my social worker and got her enrolled WIC. I wasn't sure what I was doing because there was no information on how the program worked or what I needed or where I needed to go.

   Because I got her after she was born I didn't have the program or requirements explained to me. The lack of communication was horrible. When I went in I got her checks for formula and went to cash them at a local store. I didn't know it had to be a specific brand. So, I went and looked into the ingredients for the formula that they paid for. I don't know about you but I've grown up in a bit of a health food family so I know what I'm looking for. I have an education and I consider myself pretty smart when it comes food knowledge.  The only formulas that WIC would pay for had the first two ingredients as corn syrup and processed sugar. I almost blew a lid. We fight so hard against being over weight in this country and there right in front of me was 2 ingredients that were proven to cause obesity in children. As you go through the government programs it's hard to not think they are targeting the lower class with foods that can lead to health problems especially with lack of education and information of said products.

 I just kept thinking about all the drug exposed children who were being fed this less then nutritious formula. Why aren't we giving them the best that we have instead of our worst? I went back to WIC and I talked with them about changing the formula to organic or goats milk formula or breast milk anything that is healthier. They literally told me that all of them were the same and it didn't make any difference. They suggested I try soy and I knew at that moment they had no idea. If you're out there reading this and thinking why are these ingredients so bad I dare you to look them up do research about the effects of soy, processed sugar, and corn syrup what you find might change your health forever. I have to make a disclaimer right here. I'm not the healthiest person in the world but I am aware of my choices and when I choose something unhealthy at least I know what I'm choosing.

So, I didn't get any formula from WIC after all and bought the organic stuff on my own, if I could have afforded it I would have bought breast milk but it was out of my budget. Eventually at 6 months they started giving me baby food on my checks which I could buy Earth's Best with which I was so grateful for. At 12 months they were still giving her baby food and I had to request they give me checks for solid foods because she was already eating table food at that point. Now we are getting $6 worth of fruits and veggies, beans, bread, eggs, cheese, cereal, and TONS of milks I'm talking 4 gallons a month. I'm getting so much whole milk in her checks that I've literally been dumping it down the drain because there's nothing else I can do with it. I've tried giving it away but everyone I know is either on WIC too and has too much milk themselves or I have friends who don't drink milk. As soon as I took Bella off the bottle she stopped drinking milk so then I even had more then before.

I want you to hear my heart on this matter, I think WIC is a great program but I feel like it's really out of touch with reality and it's wasting money where it could be saving. Instead of giving so much whole milk later why don't they put that gallon or two of milk money towards buying organic formula. I usually never get involved in politics but I want to say to those people who believe that people on welfare are fat lazy people without the will to look for a job that is incorrect. Usually people who need food stamps are foster children and single mothers and most those mothers are working and still can't make enough to feed their family. If you haven't been to the bottom don't judge those who have you don't know until you've been there. I've been around a lot of single parents who the only way they can get food on the table is through the food stamp program and they work.

When we talk politics we have to think about the children. Even with this program I heard just recently that children are starving all over the place in the US. Come on people think, children can't work they need our support and help. While I believe there are holes in the system I'm still grateful for it. I know when I've been in the WIC office many times I've felt the shame and poverty of those around me. It's degrading to have to ask for the government to feed your children it doesn't feel good. Many times I wanted to tell people I'm just a foster parent I'm not here because I can't buy food but I kept my mouth shut because I wanted to feel what it was like to have people assume things about me that weren't true. We can't judge others for how they buy their food. The first time I cashed my check in at Ralphs I didn't know what I could or couldn't buy so I got all this healthy stuff and the cashier had to return it all. The lady behind me got super mad at me while I was standing there handing the guy my checks she huffed out of the line and into another one. I felt humiliated really, it does take a lot longer for the cashier to go through all your checks and make sure you got all the correct products. I never went back to the Ralphs to cash my checks again.

The point of all this is that we can't assume things about people. That day I felt the poverty, the class separation, and the lack of support. I felt in that day what I'm sure many single mothers feel many times over as they go through those check out lines just trying to feed their family. The next time you see someone paying with food stamps have grace for them and thank God that we have a country that is able and willing to provide our children with food.


Thoughts and Journal Entries
May 2012 

     It's been a long anxious wait. I woke on the first of May with this overwhelming sense that I needed to call the lawyer. I made the call and found out that she was waiting for me to call her back. Initially she called me the day after I called her in April but because I was out of range with my cell I didn't get the call and of course she didn't leave a voicemail. So I hired her and the fountain of paperwork began. I had to send her money and I had the money but it was designated to paying my car payment. I've made my car payment every month on time and beyond the minimum for over 2 years now. My room mate at the time suggested I call them and ask if they can tag the payment on to the end of my loan. I called and I'm telling you I got the worst service ever! They basically told me I would have to pay double my payment in 2 weeks because I couldn't prove I had steady work. I had to decide to finish adopting my child or make the car payment. It was one of those moments where I thought is humanity really this heartless? There was no grace just law but I chose to pay the lawyer.

 After I made that decision it was as if God said ok you stepped out in faith so here's the provision. I ended up paying my car payment only 2 days late. God always provides for His children when they are going after what is in His heart. After all that there was paperwork back and forth for the remainder of that month. I however had no idea how long it would take. Just thinking about how far God has brought us through this journey I'm in awe that I'm standing here in this moment. Here's the breakthrough for this land releasing the spirit of adoption through adopting my daughter.

 While the waiting is going on my mind is completely racing into our next season. I know with all my heart as soon as I know the date of the finalization of adoption the transition will begin. I feel God telling me to rest and be anxious for nothing so I'm trying with all my might to hold on to that. I'm more then excited to change seasons because with it will come great freedom. I know I'm moving from a desert season to a promise land season. The season of the desert is where God provides for everything and the season of the promise land is the co-laboring with God to conquer the promises. I'm ready for the land full of milk and honey!

 This month I finally got my book published "Encountering God Through Soaking". I'm excited to see what God does with this new chapter of our adventure!

Cinco de Mayo celebration downtown LA

Momma's Day at the beach!

First ice cream cone of the summer!

                                                          

Time to Sign

Verse

‘Our Father who is in heaven,
Hallowed be Your name.
‘ Your kingdom come.
Your will be done,
On earth as it is in heaven. 
Matthew 6:9

Facts and Figures
        
        
       When foster children are placed in adoptive homes, after rights have been terminated, and after the appeal period of 70 days without an appeal passes then, you can sign adoption papers. Here's why I like agencies to be involved, my agency was very careful when it came to signing adoption papers. Once adoption papers are signed you no longer get support from the agency meaning they don't come for visits anymore and won't be able to advocate for you. County sometimes will try and make you sign adoption papers before the 70 day waiting period is up but the rush could really get hopes high and if something goes wrong at this point it could get pretty messy.

   I've met many foster parents in passing who have gotten certified directly through Department of County and Family Services and from what I've gathered their process for foster care and then adoption is quite different. Through my agency I went through being approved for foster care and adoption at the same time which in the long run saves you time. Through the county you are only approved for foster care and then if you want to adopt you have to go through more paperwork at that point. Signing adoption papers means that you have now started the finalization process. It's truly amazing how much paperwork is involved but it's really worth it.

   At the time when you sign the paperwork you get every piece of paper that the county has on your child and birth family. Basically they hand you their entire file on every paper filled and every report written. The information you will find in there is birth family history, any found medical information, original birth certificate, birth records, and reports on case progress. There maybe information in there that wasn't originally stated by your county social worker for example, I didn't know that my daughter had a middle name. I had asked but the social worker had said there was none to be found. Because I renamed her I would have liked to know her middle name so as to consider it in her final legal name. At this point it was too late the new birth certificate paperwork was in the works and I wasn't allowed to add her middle name.

 Also going over the new stack of paperwork you will find out information on the birth parents that you didn't know about. This can help in putting together some of the pieces of the puzzle. It's hard to know what happened to your child before they came to you. If you are like me I wanted to know everything so I could get a picture of what she came out of to see if later in life any behaviors manifest. It's not guaranteed if you get a baby from the foster system that they won't come with behavior problems later. I believe it's important to be informed so that you can be prepared. Who knows whether it's nurture verses nature, I happen to believe it's both and you can give your child skills to combat their nature side if it's behaviors that are commonly seen in their birth family.

 If we are talking about it from a faith perspective we can see where coming into agreement with the wrong kingdom can bring curses that can manifest for generations to come. An example of this is Cain, he came into agreement with the wrong kingdom by killing his brother and he was cursed as well as his children and children's children. When we have children placed in our homes it's important to know past generational behaviors so that we can pray it through and see Jesus bring redemption. For every curse there's a blessing and when the curse is broken the blessings are released. "Where sin abound grace much more abounds," Romans 5:20. For some great information on this I recommend listening to Arthur Burk his series in redemptive gifts. I'll put the link below. We are people who are facing down the orphan spirit and saying that theses children are legitimate sons and daughters with all the rights and inheritances that birth children get so we must understand that when they are manifesting anger or fear that the love that we aim towards them will break the chains of injustice in their lives. Getting the whole picture is important and signing adoption papers is coming into agreement with the spirit of adoption which I believe is the heart of Father God.

website for Arthur Burk:

www.theslg.com




Thoughts and Journal Entries
April 2012 

    I can't believe it's finally here the step before the final step. As I was signing the adoption papers I kept thinking about how far we have come. The first time I saw my daughter so tiny and screaming, I had no idea what I was doing. I remember wondering why she was fine on one bottle and the other it seemed like she kept spitting it out a friend of mine said to me what flow level are you using for the nipple on the bottle, what's a flow level? So, many fast learning curves for me, I didn't have the 9 months of preparation though it did take me about 9 months to finish my certification. I don't even remember what she looked like or how tiny she was I just couldn't believe someone had given me a whole human being to take care of. Now it's finished, no more social worker (except county once a month till the adoption is finalized) no more reports or court hearings. It's almost surreal really thinking that it's almost done this journey that I started a year ago.


  In the paperwork that I got handed after signing I found out a lot about the birth parents and family I didn't know before it really helps me to know where she came from. I'm beyond overjoyed to be here in this moment knowing that there was no way that I have gotten here with out the favor of God. The day that I signed the adoption papers I called an attorney. I don't have the finances yet to hire one but I want this to be finished quickly so we can move back up north. The attorney never answered or called back but I know that it will all end soon I can feel it.


  The day after signing the adoption papers I went to my senior pastors wedding which I feel was a sign of the season shift. It was so far away that my phone stopped working I'm hoping that the attorney will leave me a message if she calls back.


  This month was full of fun moments, Easter, wedding, we went to the zoo for the first time, Bella's friend's first birthday, signing adoption papers, many beach days, my friend from England hung out with us and I did a random video shoot for our church. Who says life isn't full of adventure! I didn't get as much work as I was hoping for but I'm determined to get my book out and I'm hoping that filing taxes (though I have to extend them) will bring in some finances for us.

Fun story about Bella's Easter dress, I forgot I had a gift card to children's place from her birthday and so when it came time to buy her dress I didn't know how I was going to pay for it. Then I remembered I had the card and we went in and found an amazing dress, shoes, and hair band all at the perfect price. I even had 15$ left over on the card that I came back later to use because they had this crazy sale that if I spent a certain amount I would get a discount I ended up probably buying over a hundred dollars worth of clothing and only spending 15$ out of pocket. God is so amazing!


  Another quick story about the zoo, I had really been feeling like I wanted to take Bella to the zoo but it's kinda pricey, my friend heard I wanted to go and found us all tickets for so cheap. Every time I put something before the Lord He answers me. He doesn't just give us what we need He gives us the desires of our hearts! Even if we think it's the smallest thing He hears it and His desire is to give us everything we want and need because He's a good Father!

My Easter baby

Signing Papers!

Zoo time

 

Life Book

Verse
 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly. 
John 10:10

Facts and Figures

        In my foster class they talked briefly about life books. I'm going to assume that you my audience don't know what a life book is and for those of you who do I still hope you find this helpful. A life book is basically a book/ photo album/ scrap book that you make for your foster or adopted child. It holds pictures and memories. For foster children it's important because if they are shuffled around a lot (which they don't do as much anymore) it helps them remember their story.
 
  For adopted children it's a way to tell and show them their story. I've read many blogs about this. I had a month of really battling how I was going to tell my daughter her story. I believe that it's different for foster children then other children who are adopted. Fundamentally their story comes from a place or point of the parents making poor choices. The stories of children adopted from other nations is either birthed out of economic tragedy, natural disasters, or instability in their nation. Those to me are massive issues that effect their entire nation. For foster children I feel (and this maybe wrong) but that their story is more micro then macro if that makes sense.
 
 I've really been struggling with how to tell my daughter her story. How do I make her feel accepted and loved without tying love to rejection? I love story, I'm in the process of writing a trilogy now but telling this particular story is stumping me. I've really googled all the different thoughts I've had searching for how to explain the beginning. I am grateful to be able to put God in the picture and show her how much from the beginning He pursued her and kept her safe. Still how do I tell her her story? I've looked for children's books on adoption but many of them talk about father and mother, going to another nation, or they couldn't have babies ect but that's not our story.

   I was told life books began because in the 80's the social workers where taught that if a foster family was starting to get too attached to their foster child the child needed to be removed. Now we understand how ludicrous this idea is. This idea actually created many unattached children and because of that behaviors manifested and that got them into trouble later in life. These kids were not staying attached to their past or who they were or what their story was. Story is important it brings us identity, understanding, and value. So, they started telling foster parents to make books or keep photo albums for the kids so as they went from house to house or back into their birth parents home they had their history. It helps them stay attached.
 
 With adopted children, in the past, parents had hidden that they were adopted. If they looked enough like the adopted parents, they thought it was best they didn't know. Finding out later in life you are adopted has some serious consequences for relationship with your adopted family. Teens or adults would hold major grudges against their adopted family feeling betrayed and lied to. Because of this foster/adoption agencies have adopted (no pun intended) the idea that from the beginning you tell your child they are adopted. All of course based on age appropriate language and understanding level.

 All adopted children are going to be curious about their birth family it's natural. That's why personally I keep as many pictures as I can of Bellas birth family because I know she's going to want to know who she looks like. Even though we don't know birth father we do have pictures that can help.

Here are a couple helpful tips I've read about:

- When telling your child their story never say "Your birth mother loved you but she had to give you up" The child associates love with abandonment. Say something to the effect of "Your birth mother wanted you to have the best life you could so she gave you to us because she knew we would be able to take care of you."( for me though I have a problem slightly with this because foster children aren't really "given up".)

- One thing I heard a speaker say once was explaining to the child that " when we are children we are always learning and as we grow older we start learning big people things but some big people don't learn big people things like how to take care of a baby so they have to give the baby to someone who knows how to take care of babies." I like this explanation because it makes it really innocent and it's truly the reason.

- Of course never make birth parents out to be bad people. Your child will identify with them on some level. Making them out to be bad people will only make your child feel like they are bad and there can be shame introduced.

- Other advice is, start the story of their adoption young. Don't wait till they are older and never use the adoption word as a point of shame but associate it with celebration.

- I plan on celebrating not only birthday but adoption day as well. How special will a child feel if they get 2 days a year where they are celebrated?!

- Always be honest with your child and you don't overload them at the beginning just slowly over the years answer their questions as they come.

- Get adoption books that tell the stories of how your family was formed and even surround yourselves with families that have adopted children. Having a community that celebrates adoption is so valuable!

- Another piece of advice was never tell your child because of economic hardship they were given up for adoption. If anything happens to you as a family financially they will assume they are going to be given up.

- Make it fun for them to hear their story. Read or tell their story often make it a point of great celebration for them.

 These are some of the helpful tips I've heard along the way. I'm sure there are many more. I still don't know how I'm going to tell her her story to be honest. I don't have the security in my story telling abilities to not to want to tell her everything at once. She's still small enough where I can think about it and write it out. A friend of mine suggested doing a Shutterfly album and that might be a great way to keep it in book form.

If you have any experience writing life books or have helpful tips please leave some comments I'm completely open to suggestions!
 


Thoughts and Journal Entries
March 2012 

    This month was really a good month for us financially. God is so faithful to His word. I look back and can't believe He's brought us this far. I have no doubt in my mind of His eternal faithfulness. I've been waiting to hear back from someone if birth mom filled an appeal. At the end of this month I found out that I had to wait 70 days instead of 60. It always seems like you're waiting forever but I believe I will sign adoption papers next month. It's been really fast actually if I think about it. I've had Bella exactly a year this month so crazy!!

 I was a city wide conference this month called Hollywood the Cry. I only went one night because I had someone volunteer to watch the baby for me. It's so rare for me to go out that I took the opportunity. It was a really powerful session that I went to. When the social justice session came up their was a guy that had just come back from Cambodia and was telling us that he saw babies 6 month olds being sold into sex slavery. Babies!!!!! What the Heck!!!!!! I almost threw up right there. I sobbed so hard my eyes where swollen and blood shot. I just kept seeing Bella in my head at 6 months and everything inside of me wanted to jump on a plane and grab those babies and run. What is this world coming too? The Lord keeps talking to me about saving the one. Loving the one in front of you is sometimes the most powerful thing you can do. As a mother I know that being a good steward of one child can change nations so I will stay here and do the best I can with the baby the Lord has given me.

 This month I've been working really hard on my art getting prints because there's a conference where I'm going to be painting and I hope someone buys some of my art. So when I went to the conference I had spent a lot of money on making prints that didn't turn out right and I didn't sell anything but someone gave me money as I was leaving and it exactly was double what I spent on all the prints and supplies. I had been frustrated by the lack of my knowledge on how to sell my art but God saw my heart and blessed me anyway! Sometimes all He wants from us is to try.

 Bella is growing so quickly and is rapidly shifting into a toddler. I don't know when the shift happens but I can see it. Her personality is coming out she said "ball" for her first word and also "bubble" and is walking everywhere. I really can't believe how big she's getting. I get exhausted watching her run around but it is fun to see how funny she is. I'm just in love with this little girl I'm so glad I get to call her my own so very soon!

I taught her to put things on her head...this is my fault.

All I've ever used is cell phones around her how does she know how to use this phone?

We've been spending too much time in Hollywood..baby is a star!

 

Birthday Month

Verse
For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.

Jeremiah 29:11

Facts and Figures
       
  I want to talk about the perception of the general public and the church on fostercare especially as a single mother. As I've been thinking about this month and what to talk about I started listening to peoples comments to me and I wanted to comment on their comments. I've noticed when I started talking to people about fostercare that people look at me like I'm a hero. I've heard comments like:

"Oh, wow that's such an a brave thing you're doing."

"Wow, what a hero you are." 

"That baby is lucky to have you as a mom."

"You're a single mom, wow I could never do that."

 All these little comments bug me. I couldn't really put my finger on it at the time they were said to me but now I think maybe it's because I don't see myself as someone extra ordinary. Granted, the people that tell me this are usually people who don't know Jesus so I give them grace but I think...I'm not a hero I'm a human, doing what we are all suppose to do.

 I'm not better than you, I'm just like you I live an ordinary life with ordinary problems. I think what bothered me the most was the separation I felt from the person I was talking to. I want to live my life as an inspiration for others to dream big and go beyond their capacities not to be seen as an unattainable story. You can take the journey of adoption! I'm not going to lie it's hard and it's all about laying down your life for someone who can't give anything back but it's the most amazing journey you will ever take.


 My daughter is the hero in this story, I'm not better than her for taking her in. I'm the lucky one, everyday I thank the Lord for giving me this unmeasurable joy in my life. Children are a blessing, they attract the blessings of heaven, you become a target for heaven when you have children in your home. I want to rewrite the typical human story, you grow up, get married, have kids then pass on. How about re-writing that story, everyone of you has the capabilities to write an amazing story with your lives.


 I had a lady say (before she knew I was adopting) "she (Bella) must look more like her father." I looked at her and said " I don't know" the woman looked at me very confused until I explained that she was my adopted daughter. Can we believe that the single mother may have a different story then she had sex outside of marriage and was abandoned by the baby daddy?  I've walked into different churches before (not my home church) and I've gotten the looks like "poor single mother". If you don't ask me about my story you can assume all sorts of things that aren't true.


I want to put a challenge out there for people in the body of Christ and those who just are in the journey of foster and adoption. Don't assume that you know what's going on with people, ask. I think our story is so powerful and I love to see people inspired to go after the heart of God. At some point in this journey the Lord had asked me if I was alright being seen as an adulterous woman in the church and I said I don't care, people can think what they want because I know their perception will shift when they hear our story. Are you willing to look foolish for the Gospel? It doesn't matter what people say it matters that you're pursuing the heart of Jesus!


For those of you out there who don't know me, I'm a super passionate person and I love to push the buttons and challenge the complacent. I don't want to hurt anyone's heart but I believe with my whole being that we can't let fear, what other people think, or conflict stop us from taking care of these kids who are so desperately needing a good home. I believe we can, in a generation, see every child in the US who needs a home to be in one. Wouldn't it be amazing? Be inspired don't pity us, or look at our story as unattainable God has more for you then you can hope, expect, think, or imagine!


ok I'm done preach'n now :)
 

Thoughts and Journal Entries
February 2012
 
        It's birthday month for baby and me! I can't believe that Bella is 1 and I'm 29. Time truly does fly by when you have children. I didn't think that it was true because as a child you think that time is taking forever but looking at Bella growing up it truly blows my mind. She started walking in the middle of this month I can't believe it.

 1st birthday parties are such a big deal and so I took on the challenge with excitement thinking ok this is my budget and this is my plan. I decided to do cupcakes but all by hand and do fancy ones from Martha Stewart recipes oh boy I'm an over achiever. I had to enlist a teenager to assist in the all day baking marathon but we did it successfully, unfortunately I made soooooo many cupcakes that not even a 3rd of them were eaten but over all her birthday was a success. I had asked people to get her books because I think I could count on one hand the number of books I had for her. Next birthday I'll have to ask for classic Disney movies because poor baby doesn't even have one. Oh well so goes that but she got radically blessed by all our friends who poured abundant love on her.  I haven't had to buy her clothing in so long because people have handed me bag after bag of clothing it's been really incredible!

 My birthday was really low key which is what I wanted. Sometimes it's nice just chilling with friends and having good relational time. This month I had been struggling financially but people gave me money for my birthday which covered our bills, again God came through. I got the proof for my Encountering God through Soaking book which I'm so excited about but I know it still needs some editing so I'm handing it off to a friend to run through hopefully by March it will be completed.

Last month there was monkey wrench that was thrown into our case. Apparently birth mom is pregnant about 5 or 6 months but it's not been confirmed which is hard for me. She has expressed her desire for an abortion and everything inside of me is crying out against it. I've contacted the social worker this month practically begging her to beg birth mom to go through with the birth I will find a family for this child or I will take this child in. It was a gut wrenching decision to say yes to possibly taking in another child because I know at this point I wouldn't be able to but I know God can make a way where there seems to be no way. I felt such a war in my spirit fighting for this unborn child even though I've never overtly fought against abortion I was fighting now. This was my baby's brother or sister and I could just stand by and say nothing. We wrestle not against flesh and blood and I knew I wasn't wrestling against flesh but I was fighting for life.  At the end of this month I heard that she now says she's no longer pregnant I don't know if she lost the baby or something else happened but I know that in the moment that I was suppose to stand for life I did and I fought as hard as I could.

I've been waiting to hear if I can sign adoption papers but apparently instead of 60 days it's 70 so I have to wait a bit longer to make sure there's no appeal from the birth family. I'm still not expecting any but it's hard to wait when you know that this is almost over. Weeks go by and I'm so ready for all this to end and for the court to define what I've known from the beginning.

Happy 1st Birthday baby girl may you have so many birthdays and may each one get better and better..
love your momma

My Birthday girl!

Has to put everything in her mouth..

First beach day of 2012

Promise land Year

Verse
Vindicate the weak and fatherless;
Do justice to the afflicted and destitute.
Psalms 82:3

Facts and Figures

    In this months blog I want to talk about how our media portrays the foster system. Below is a link of an article written last year about an incident that happened to a child in the foster system here in Los Angeles:

http://articles.latimes.com/2011/jun/06/local/la-me-adv-child-fatality-20110606

  When I first read this article I had a myriad of emotions. There is such power in the media to bring emotions to the surface that you might not have known you had. First emotion anger and being sick to my stomach (I don't think that's an emotion but you know what I mean).  Anger towards whom? the system? the parents? the judge? who knows maybe all of them. I thought man these people are idiots who would have let this child go back into a situation like that?

   If I'm a part of the system and I think that I can only imagine what people think who aren't a part of the system. You read articles like this one and think the system is systematically putting these children back into their birth homes without doing do dilligence on behalf of the child.  I don't believe that's true. I know I went through an agency which I feel makes a difference but really the social workers work very hard and the judges make decision based on the information that's handed to them. If the birth parents followed the plan then they earned the right to get their children back.

 Is it right this baby died? No. Where there signs that should have been considered? I think that it's hard when you have to follow the letter of the law. The parents did what they were suppose to to get their children back but the feeling or discernment of people around them was there was no way these people should be parents.

 Back to commenting on media, I feel still that there is such a mass slaughter of the foster care system in general in the media. When I first thought of foster care I thought about all the stories I had heard of children dying and being mistreated. Now that I'm in it I don't think that it's that black and white. There are amazing stories like ours that gives me hope that this broken system can work and when it doesn't work the powers that be are working on making it work. Where are the hundreds and thousands of successful stories of these kids going off to be amazing grown up people being successful productive members of society?

 I understand that there are media pieces on successful adoption stories but  I truly believe that this portrayal of the foster system being such a mess isn't helping. Who wants to be a foster parent when your idea of a foster parent is Mrs. Hannigan  (Annie reference)? I was scared of that idea of being in a circle of other foster parents who I didn't seem to have all their faculties together. Then I met some of the most amazing foster parents who risk everything for these kids and fight tooth and nail to get these children the best care they can. I realized that my mind had put together this picture that was not accurate. I came with the mindset that I was rescuing the system when in reality I was joining an already made army of people who deeply care about these kids. Really, I wanted to be in the system to see the problems and try and bring solutions but there are so many amazing people who already are fighting for solutions. It's been truly an honor to stand with other parents, social workers, and lawyers and hear their stories and see their journey however difficult it maybe.

 Our words have power, media has power. Whatever is spoken, declared, or written becomes a prophecy of sorts. When we keep declaring the failure of an organization that is taking in our children in need the eventuality of it I believe is failure. But as we start declaring the beauty of every story of victory either ones of redemption or adoption we begin to see the emergence of a beautiful structure that carries the heart of a good father who takes care of his children and loves them into their dreams being fulfilled.

What will your story be? We are all adopted in our lives somehow, whether into a community, a family, a work place, a tribe, or a church. Will we let media form the ideas and concepts of something we don't have personal experience with or will we be seekers of truth and begin our own journey? There is always more to the story how about going and finding it!


Thoughts and Journal Entries
January 2012
   
 In my last blog I forgot to mention that since having Bella I have forgotten to do anything for myself. Buying clothing for myself especially of late has not been on my priority list. Even thinking about hauling Bella around a store while I try on clothing I can't afford causes me exhaustion but God heard the cry of my heart for new clothing and one of my best friends over thanksgiving bought me some sweaters and then my sister for Christmas practically bought me a whole new wardrobe. The wonders of heaven never cease! For me I think why doesn't God pay for something I need, instead He gives me something I want. It's the Father's good pleasure to give good gifts to His children!

 Like I do every year I had a date with God. I sat down in prayer and reviewed my last year with the Lord and then asked Him what I would see this year. As I was in prayer I had been burdened by the fact that I felt the grace for living in LA was up. I asked the Lord where I was going to be this year and instead of Him saying LA I didn't hear anything. My heart had really longed to move back to Redding but I wanted His best and didn't want to move back to something comfortable just because. I needed something so clear so I asked Him for a scripture. Genesis 31 popped into my head, mind you I had no idea about what was in that chapter but I turned to is and burst into tears. Right there was my confirmation to move back to Redding. So as I continued my conversation with God He told me that this was my promise land year and because I was born 2/12 and it was 2012 there was going to be many surprises lined up for me :) I asked Him when I was going to be able to move and I heard June but that's really going to have to be God because I can't move until the adoption is finalized.

 When we got back to LA after holiday break we did some work off and on for different people I was still working in the office but I knew that that job was about to be over it was too hard having Bella in the office with me crawling around. The Lord had told me I was there for other reasons and I've been ministering to my boss in such a way where I can see God is softening his heart. Yeah for people coming into relationship with the amazing One!

A couple weeks into this month Bella and I both caught a horrible bug. She started puking at noon and didn't stop till 5pm I started at 11pm and didn't stop till 6 am. It was horrible I could barely walk or lift her out of the crib. My roommate was out of town and being all alone was so horrible. I was dying for some Sprite after puking for so many hours that at 7 am I finally texted a friend to see if they would get me some luckily they did. Then I texted someone else later to see if they would watch the baby while I took a nap. After an hour or so nap I felt good enough to once again take over my mothering duties but boy let me tell you being sick like that with no help was so hard. The bug only lasted 5 hours or so and then we recovered for a day and felt better. The bug spread to all our little friends however and I heard about people everywhere getting it it was so weird I had no idea what it was but it was nasty.

We had a pretty big breakthrough this month. When we got back from vacation the county social worker who now is a new social worker handed me a letter that Bellas birth mother had written to me. I was so nervous never having met the woman I didn't know what to expect. She wrote a really nice letter she said she wasn't going to file an appeal and she was giving Bella to me. She also asked if I would take some of her other children which broke my heart. I wish I could but really there's no way at this point. The letter was such a rarity that my agency social worker asked if she could have a copy  I said sure and now they use it as an example in training sessions. I wrote birth mother back keeping our identity a secret but knowing that Bella would need a letter from her in the future I asked her to write Bella a letter and send a picture. Favor is dripping all over this process. I'm breathing slightly easier now even though I know it's not over yet. 


I can't believe that Bella is almost 1 it's so crazy to me! She's grown so much that it's been fascinating to watch her change. Her personality is coming to the surface and I know that she's going to be a leader with all her stubborn moments. Everyday I look at her and think wow I can't believe God gave me such an amazing child. The honor and reality of what it means to steward her and teach her the way of the Lord it really not lost on me. We are getting closer to the end of this journey and I know that God has been so present in every step it's absolutely amazing!
 
If any of my readers out there have questions you would like me to answer please leave a comment I would like to make sure that I'm covering topics people are interested in or information that is important. Thank you for sharing in our journey!

Working in the office mommy

Such a sick baby just threw up everywhere

Look at me I'm the chair boss